MORNING LIGHT // my mother always says it will be better after a sleep. God how right she is. This morning the sky is blue the air is fresh the light is beautiful and I've lit candles while I make breakfast and listen to Morning Report.
REMEMBER LOVE, 2017 // So far, I’ve gotta say, this has been a fck of a year. // BUT I’m trying my very very very best to do what this artwork says...
JUST LIKE A LAWRENCE TREE
Yesterday, I was walking down by the river in the morning, feeling sad and stuck and frustrated. In grass-is-greener mood, sorry for myself and wishing for some other bloody life other than the one I'm living.
I stopped, as I usually do, in front of this beautiful tree. I often run my hand over its rough bark, take some leaves from the low-lying branches for my kitchen bench.
What I noticed this time, though, was the glorious blue in-between the leaves, the beautiful shape the sky made.
I was reminded immediately of the painting Georgia O'Keefe made in 1929 she called The Lawrence Tree.
In her painting, it's the stars she sees through the trees but the perspective and feeling's the same: the noticing of the outrageous beauty to be found in this world of ours, the longing for what is out of reach.
This sight, it snapped me out of my grass-is-greener vibe. Made me feel real good. Made me smile. Jesus it felt good to smile.
You know the best thing?
I didn't have to save for years and travel in pilgrimage to Taos in New Mexico to DH Lawrence's old ranch in order to see this sight [not that I'd mind doing that, don't get me wrong...]. I just walked out my door, crossed the road and took a gentle walk down by the riverside, and there it was. A plain and simple gum tree that, seen in the right light, from the right perspective, became my very own Lawrence Tree.
Beauty isn't an extraordinary thing. It is an everyday constant.
Our eyes and heart just need to be open enough to see it.
RED RIBBON // I keep photographing my hands at the moment. As if there is an answer to all my questions written on them. // I feel at sea. I feel the need for deep change. I feel the need for familiar comfort. I want to forge ahead in my work, I want to curl up in a ball and be looked after. // It's fair to say I'm a little messy in my heart right now. // I've taken to wearing this red ribbon. At my throat or wrist. // What feels like years ago I wore a thin red thread around my wrist to remind me of the threads we all have to those we love, the red threads that pull us through this life. // This thick red ribbon, the colour of blood, is more like me reminding myself that the hot red marvellous alive parts of life which feel so far away right now are still there, and will return. // There is a reason I photographed my hand against this bland grey flat wall. It's a good representation of how life feels right now. But look, I say to myself, look at that gorgeous gorgeous red, look how it sings at your wrist. Just keep looking at that I say to myself, and you'll get through.
NAILPOLISH RULZ // This morning I did what women often do in times of stress... I got a haircut. More accurately, gave myself a haircut. I feel liberated. I used to wear my hair like this when I was about 30 (Jesus Christ that's almost twenty years ago...). I like it. So much better than the bedraggled mess my hair has been lately // I also put on nail polish. I almost never wear it but Mum always did and so, today, so am I. Which btw accounts for the strange hand position because I wanted to show my dodgy badly painted nails off... // Anyways , I feel so much better. Fake it till you make it. Work from the outside in. Insert whatever cliches applies. You get my drift.
MORNING // Woke up feeling so sad. Drank my coffee in bed with tears running down my face. // As I talked to my friend about yesterday, one of the challenges of grief is to find the courage to really feel it. To not numb myself or sleep or speed my life up so fast I don't have time to feel anything. // And so I'm doing what I always seem to do. Trying to live with my heart open, plodding slowly one foot in front of the other, working, loving as best I can, seeing what comes. // As I dragged myself up and out of the bedroom this morning I was greeted with this glorious golden light slanting across one of my favourite things, a simple black shape made from ply I saw on the back of a trailer and loved. The man who was getting rid of it gave it to me, and it was a lovely thing to get that gift. Seeing that light across my shape made me remember the man's kindness. Right at the moment, it's good to remember the world has kindness in it.
FRAGILE // Could be my state of mind and heart... or could be the corner of the box where a most beautiful completed commission is stored... // you guessed it, its's both... // on Saturday A is driving up from Wellington to pick up her commission - I could have freighted it to her but it is so much nicer to be able to hand it over person to person. // I am so proud of this artwork, am looking forward to showing it to you here on social once A has seen it! // I am very fortunate to have my artwork as the bright light to lean towards. It allows me to fully express my feelings and nature, it gives me satisfaction and joy, and most importantly, it matters. Both to me and to the people who like it (either here on social or by having an artwork of their own IRL). // One thing crystal clear to me right now is that life is way too short and precious to be spending it doing stuff that don't matter...
COMFORT STONE // I picked this up a few weeks ago, on one of my walks. It fits so beautifully in my hand, and feels so good there. // I keep it on my desk. Every time I need to find the energy to put one foot in front of the other during these sad tired days, I pick up this stone and hold it for a few seconds. For whatever reason, this plain simple wee stone makes me feel calm, reminds me that this is just a season. That joy and desire and fun and sunshine will one day come back. Because that's how life is. Unstoppable. Tidal. Seasonal. Dark black bright light all the shades and colours inbetween.
MAGNOLIAS // even when you're so exhausted you can barely stand, you can lean on the kitchen bench to eat your dinner and notice how beautiful the magnolias your friend gave you are, what an excellent shape the Lightshades your other friend gave you are, and feel hashtag blessed that you got all this love surrounding you. // I have loved magnolias since I was a child. A huge tree grew outside our lounge window. I loved the furry buds, the silky leaves, the generosity of bloom. So happy to have them back in my life right now. I stand at my bench and drink in the gorgeousness.
AIN'T NUTHIN ELSE MATTERS // for my sisters and brother and Dad.