I’ve been doing a helluva lot of thinking lately - thinking about the shape I want to be in now, the shape of my work and life and love.
You know those times where the possibilities seem endless and you think you could just up and change everything.
I’ve been frustrated and lonely and wobbly and not feeling strongly my self, and looking everywhere but inside for the solution. Thinking a new man or a new home or a new studio or a new town might be the solution.
The last few days it’s dawned on me that I like my life pretty much as it is here in this beautiful small wee gentle place. My life is quiet and deeply felt and slowly unfolding at a pace which feels good to me. I’m grieving and living and loving and laughing. Sometimes in the dark, sometimes in the light.
I’m determined to find what’s beautiful in the righthererightnow rather than imagining that perfect life over the rainbow and giving up everything I have built to reach for something that’s not even real. There is no perfect life. No greener grass. You can leave and travel and go somewhere new and have the best new romance, but the thing is you always take your self with you, and all the difficult parts you don’t like eventually show themselves. Once again.
Your self is the thing you gotta get square with.
Forget Everest. Turning and looking inside yourself, prepared to face what you see there, that’s biggest challenge of all. And where the most wildly freeing change can occur.
And so, here I am this morning, rearranging my front room, continuing on at my snail’s pace, pushing my work and self forward each and every day. I didn’t leave town, I didn’t get a big studio or a new home. Instead I brought an old lightbox I did a few years ago out of storage. Setup a new table I can draw on, watch the river and the world go by from. It’s beautiful isn’t it. And it didn’t cost a cent.
I’m in exactly the same place but I feel like I’ve moved a thousand miles from the stuckness I’ve been in for weeks.
Fuck . Perspective is everything.