Hello my name is, 140125

I’m not sure

where I fit

where I’m going

what value I bring

to the world

or the kitchen

or the bedroom.

I don’t know how to dress

anymore.

I don’t know what parts of me

I perform

because that’s what society expects

of a middle-aged white woman like me

and what parts are

in and of my own nature.

I thought I’d like not doing the business of art.

I thought it would be a relief

to slow down and give me a chance to see who it is that I am.

But

like anything, the reality is more complex

than the abstract idea.

The lack of business busy-ness

has given me time

which is what I wanted and desperately needed

but that time has me

calling so much

into question.

Which is

of course

the point.

I thought I’d feel happy.

And sometimes I do.

There are moments.

But when you open yourself up

to feeling

you feel it all

not just the parts of yourself

you find acceptable.

It hurts.

To see so much of myself

I didn’t realise was there.

It hurts

not to be in familiar territory.

I feel exposed,

with nowhere to go

nowhere to hide.

I feel unmasked.

I’ve been crying lots.

I’m doubting everything.

I’m not sure if what I’ve got to say

is relevant or interesting or beautiful.

I’m not sure if I’m

relevant or interesting or beautiful.

I’m not sure.

I

feel

very very

vulnerable.

sitting naked with my tummy all on show.

I’m hoping

expecting

it to get better.

You know

it’s darkest before the dawn

and all that.

But right now

today,

hello my name is

fkced if I know.

Memory knot, 100125

I drew this shape on a condolence card I made this morning. I call the shape a memory knot.

Knots have always symbolised remembering.

Colin McCahon, one of a painter-heroes, talked of making signs and symbols to live by.

I realise that this memory knot has, quite unconsciously, become one of mine.

I think this whole year in terms of art will be about making the haphazard intentional -refining and focussing my big feelings, my from-the-heart artwork into something sharper, stronger, deeper.

I cannot wait to see where this year takes me.

It's beautiful here, 080125

I’ve moved fullitme to Wellington.

I can’t quite believe I get to be so lucky.

I’m back at the Studio in Whanganui,

arrived feeling pissed off

like I’d taken a giant step back

into a life I no longer want.

Ate an entire bar of chocolate

began grumpily moving stuff around the studio.

Came across this as I was moving plywood in the painting studio.

I scribbled it on the wall in 2021.

It stopped me in my tracks.

I thought, by god, I was right

all those years ago.

It is beautiful here

in this small room

in this small town

in this small country

at the edge

of the world.