This one’s for all of you not doing okay.

Those of you who are not, right now: doing yoga, making exceptional plans for the future, doing brilliant WFH, home-schooling your child with ease and grace, soaking up the lazy hazy days of this slowed-down, sweet lockdown life.

For some of you, life right now will be brutal. Difficult. Very very dark. For some of you, some of the time, you’ll feel like you’re in a blood tangle on the floor, trapped inside the nightmare box of your spiralling-downward thoughts.

I just wanted to say: I see you. I’ve been there. I understand. And I’m sorry.

Find whatever/whoever it is that pulls you out of the darkness, whatever it is that helps you see the flicker of light when you’re down deep in that fcking well, and hold onto it for dear life.,

and this too will pass.

Last night I watched Toy Story 3. It was wonderful and magical. I laughed, I cried, I said Noooooooo when the evil pink bear left Woody and his friends to get fried in the fire even though Woody had just saved his life. I was so happy when they survived and found their new girl to love them. What a great movie. I was in such a lovely mood.

Then I decided to watch an episode of a TV series I’d heard was good. Two thirds of the way into it and two scenes one after the other triggered my PTSD. My lovely mood was all over. I felt panicked, my heart was racing, my thoughts went so fcking black. In nearly an instant I was, boom, back through the years. Back to the days that were the source of so much hurt and fear. Like an idiot, wanting to be staunch in front of my partner, I continued watching. Not. A. Good. Move. By the time the episode ended I was a mess.

PTSD [post-traumatic-stress-disorder] can hit you like that. Out of the blue you can be triggered by one second of something that to everyone else is just business as usual entertainment.

My partner was so lovely with me. He held me while I cried, he assured me I wasn’t the loser I felt myself to be in those moments. He made jokes and brought me back out of the spiral so that I could then read my comforting teen-fiction book until my heart/mind/body calmed down.

I have done so much internal work over the last decade, so that now, 99% of the time, the brutal shadows of the past are gone. I hate the 1%. But I accept that my dark history, and my continued response to it, is part of me. It is what it fcking is.

And BTW, in case you get the wrong end of the stick, the 99% is really great. I am really doing great. I’m deeply in love, I’m healthy, I’m fit, I have great friends and solid supportive loving family. I have a damn interesting son I love to the moon and back. And, of course, I have my work. I am know who I am, I know what my purpose in life is. I’m living on beautiful and solid ground nearly all of the time. Life really is good.

BUT …

this Covid situation is tough. For everyone on the planet. Don’t be fooled by the Instagram hype. Everyone has their moments in the dark right now.

But you, you have it real tough. And I’m sorry.

I SEE YOU.

I’ve been there.

I understand.

You’re not alone.

This too will pass.

[Blood tangle 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]