THE RAIN COMES DOWN

Was feeling really low this afternoon. No particular reason. Just low.

Then, despite my mood, I made myself work out. And GOD it felt good! It’s the first time in 5 weeks I’ve been able to wear my gloves [I”d left them in Whanganui for the lockdown so didn’t have them in Wellington] and I was able to stand at the corner where two walls meet in my lounge, and actually hit something. I hit it lightly - didn’t want to break either the wall or my hand, LOL, but still, I was able to make contact. Oh god the fabulous feeling. After completing the whole workout [thanks Lesley @ironalley for the programme] I’m feeling knackered and marvelous at the same time.

As I was warming down, I looked over at an artwork I’ve got on my wall, “the rain comes down, the stars come up, the sun rises in the morning” and I thought how true it was. All the BS I’d had in my head before the workout has melted away… the sun really does rise.

Here’s me sweaty and red and feeling great, pointing at the artowork.

STAR

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This may look like an asterisk but actually it’s a star, Drawn for my partner.

Who is my star.

Who makes me see stars.

Who makes me feel all starry.

Drove from my partner’s home in Wellington back to mine in Whanganui today. I’m thrilled to be reunited with my best old guy Seth, and also so happy to have my son with me now :-). But ouch it hurts not to be with my partner tonight, after 5 most lovely weeks together 24/7.

[And jeez I was gonna try to post a photograph tonight but I just can’t seem to stop these wee drawings…]

THE DAY AFTER THE END // Day 34, 28 April 2020

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Here there is us. One day at a time. Together.

The day after the end, which is just the beginning.

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I made this from the Day 1 , Day 2 and Day 33 artworks because I felt the need to wrap this “parentheses” project up, to make an “end” to this series that means a lot to me, is such a personal illustration of a very important five weeks in my life/our lives.

Yes, we’ve left Level 4 but our lives have still changed, are changing. The world is not as it was, and “as it was” won’t return. We’re all uncertain. It’s still us, one day at at time, together, making our lives up as we go along.

[The day after the end, 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]

TOGETHER // Day 33, 27 April 2020

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11.59pm tonight marks the end of the Level 4 lockdown in NZ.

Man, we’ve been through some stuff in the last 33 days.

Fabulous dinners followed by Netflix. Zoom calls. Weird supermarket visits. Bad outfits, bad hair. Tears and meltdowns and laughter and love making. Birth and death, and significant birthdays celebrated in the smallness of our bubbles. We’ve been exasperated with those we’re closest to and longed for people we couldn’t touch. We’ve learnt a lot about the people we love most, and likely learnt even more about ourselves.

They say it takes a village to raise a child.  It’s also taken a community of people to get eachother through this lockdown. People we love dearly, and people we’ve never even met but who have said the right word at the right time to help make sense of the uncertainty.

Whatever we’ve been through, we’ve been through together, eh.

For me, together especially and most importantly means my partner and I, in his beautiful home, eating and talking and loving our way through this last 5 weeks. J, your loving steadfastness has made this time in parentheses so beautiful, despite my emotional rollercoastering. There is no one else in the world I would have wanted to do this with.

I also want to say a heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you who have bought downloads and artwork from me during the lockdown. As an artist who makes her entire living from her work, . I cannot tell you how much it means to me that via your support, I’m able to keep living this artist’s life I love, and to keep making work! I literally couldn’t do this without you.

[Together 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint ]

NIGHTMARE // Day 32, 26 April 2020

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The dark side. The flipside. A nightmare I’ve had many times that still terrorises me.

Sitting up in bed, crying silently so as not to disturb my partner more than I already had. Turning the light on briefly to make sure it was J lying there, not the person in my dream. Watching the light play dimly on the wall, willing myself not to go to sleep again. Taking deep breaths to calm down and try to believe the shadows stalking me had stopped when the nightmare did.

It’s hard to describe the fear I felt last night. Actually I don’t want to describe it. It’s a case of if you know you know, and if you don’t know how it is to feel that kind of terror then I don’t ever want you to.

I eventually slept. Woke feeling hopeless and humiliated. It seems that no matter how fcking positive and together and solid I become, I’ll still keep getting dragged back into the trauma of my past.

I’ve felt heavy all day today. Slightly fearful, quite tearful. Decidedly un-together. That’s just how it is. It always takes me a day and a good night’s sleep to recover.

I’d like not to have these nightmares but I do. It’s how life is for me. It may change in the future. Hell, I might not ever have one again. Who knows. But in the meantime, I just gotta accept these nights and shadowed days as part of who I am.

Like I said yesterday, there’s grace to be found in every bit of fear, if you have the strength to look for it. The grace in these heavy hours is that it makes me completely determined to work. I turn to working almost desperately, as a release valve for nearly overwhelming feeling, and/or to make something beautiful in counterpoint to the darkness. I thank god for my ability to express how it is that I feel.

{Nightmare, 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]

I REMEMBER YOU // Day 31, 25 April 2020

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It’s Anzac Day here in New Zealand, a day when we as a country stand together to remember the fallen soldiers who fought to give us our freedom, and to honour those who came home. While I 100% respect and agree with the sentiment of the day and am of course thankful to those who gave their lives, on this day I also want to remember someone who went to battle in a very different way: my Mum.

She never fought in any world war but jesus she sure fought a war on the homefront. The fire she came under, the hits she took. She was as brave as any soldier. She went to war time and time again for what she believed in: her family.

My mother was a very small woman but when she was riled up, she became 6 foot 4. For me, she fought bureaucracy, she stood up to surgeons, orthodontists and speech therapists when she disagreed with their points of view. She taught me to be strong and to believe in myself, she stood by me, protected me in so many ways. She wasn’t perfect. She was a human being not some sort of god. But what my mother did do was give me all the loving she had. When I was a small girl she promised me she would be with me all the days of my life, and she’s kept her promise. Although she’s gone from this world, she’s still with me. Guiding me and helping me steer my life straight and true.

I love you Mum, and I remember you.

[I remember you, 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint ]

CROSSROADS // Day 30, 24 April 2020

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I’ve found in my life so far that there is grace to be found in any kind of grief, trauma or illness - if you can find it in yourself to look for it.

The enforced slowness of the last four weeks has given me the grace of breathing space, time to really think about the where/what/who/how of my life. The places in which I want to change it up, the areas I just want to shore it up.

Despite - or maybe because of - all the constriction and uncertainty within the parentheses of this lockdown, there’s an opportunity for marvelous re-invention. And damn, I got enough Lady Gaga in me to always be up for that.

The desire for that internal reshaping quite naturally leads to a crossroads because in choosing a new path forward, you necessarily have to discount other possible roads.

So here I am, sitting in the centre of my internal landscape, wondering which way to go, There are decisions to be made in both my working and personal life, in relation to the way I operate within myself and in the way I operate in the wider world. The pressure I’ve been putting on myself to make the right decisions, the fierce thinking I”ve been doing in order to force my own hand……this way that way right way wrong way which way... until my head feels like it’s exploding.

Thing is, the best decisions I’ve ever made have been arrived at by putting aside my fiercely over-thinking brain and finding the courage to listen to my heart.

She always steers me true.

[Crossroads 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]

THE IMPORTANCE OF THINGS WE CANNOT SEE // Day 29, 23 April 2020

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The delicate threads

of love and longing

that bind us ,

that our hearts move toward

and beat for.

The importance of things

we cannot see.

[The importance of things we cannot see, 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]

QUIETLY, AND IN THE MORNING // Day 28, 22 April 2020

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This morning, while my partner and I were lying together watching the light brighten through the skylights above our bed, he said such beautiful things to me. I was silent as he said his words, paying fierce attention with my head heart body. They’re words I don’t want to forget. This is a feeling I don’t want to forget. So I made this drawing.

I’ve said a lot during this lockdown about the difficulty/struggle/tears but not much about how gentle and beautiful it is here with him. Partly because I wanted to keep it close to my chest for a while, partly because I often need to clear away all the difficult feelings before I can acknowledge the wonderful ones. And also very much because I often feel the difficult and the wonderful simultaneously, and it seems more important somehow to say what’s difficult because there’s so much pretending on social, so many “living your best life” grids that don’t reflect the actual.

The pink in the drawing is the flush on your cheeks when you wake. The words you said aren’t just remembered by these marks I made, they’re writ right down deep inside me. You light me up, you make me feel safe. Your voice, quiet in my ear and so very English, is one of the joys of my life.⁠

[Quietly and in the morning, 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]

X // Day 27, 21 April 2020

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After many attempts at making a drawing of something beautiful today, after really wanting to say something lovely and gentle and happy and sweet, it just didn't happen. I drew and drew and drew and nope, nothing worked. I kept going and going until the light went but what I ended up with was this X.

Deep red and rough as guts.

Maybe I was trying too hard to do something nice. Trying too hard to be positive and fcking fabulous and grateful for all the things I'm meant to be grateful for right now when actually maybe if I'm honest that's not how I'm feeling.

Maybe this is me putting a big red X over all the B.S.

[PS: Excuse the muddy incorrectly sized picture. Photoshop kept crashing tonight so this is direct from my phone. Apparently my scratch disks are full. YES I googled and no that did NOT help. I still couldn't work out what to do. And YES you're right, how did you guess, I AM off to eat chocolate and watch Netflix. FML.]

[ X 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]