The lovely boys, from a long time ago

The lovely boys, on my lounge wall.

I made this photograph in 1991.  It hung in my mother’s house for a coupla decades.  I’ve just hung it in my lounge. 

I love this photograph. 

I called it The Lovely Boys because they were my flatmate’s sons best friends, and they were wild, and lovely.

This photograph, it reminds me where I started from. 

I was 21 and heavily influenced by Richard Avedon and Diane Arbus. 

My favourite thing about it - apart from the dirty beauty of the boys - is the spit on the lip of the boy on the right. As a portrait photographer for over two decades, I  was always looking for someone’s beauty, but as well I was looking for that extra thing within an image that couldn’t be constructed.  Like the spit on the lip of the boy. 

I’ve begun to miss people’s faces and what I saw there. 

Maybe it’s because for the first time in about thirty years, I’m living on my own.  Maybe it’s the deep connection I generally formed with my portrait subjects that I miss. 

It is such an honour, when someone trusts you enough to open up in front of you.  Let’s you see inside.

The lovely boys, closeup of print. 2018

A damn fine morning

http://www.fleurwickes.co.nz/studio-prints-2011-2017/its-beautiful-here-at-the-edge-2017

Been feeling sick as a dog for two days. Bad headache, shivery then hot.  You know how a bad cold goes. 

Dragged myself out of bed this morning and into my workroom.  I was rewarded by seeing the most beautiful light hitting this artwork. 

Not only that, two lovely women came to pick up the print they’d bought of this artwork.  They’d bought one for their neighbour, too.  J and S brought their neighbour to my place and she had no idea why she was here until I showed her this artwork hanging on the wall and said, this is the gift they’ve bought you.  L was overwhelmed and I got tears in my eyes. 

It was so lovely to witness the friendship between the three women. 

There is NOTHING like the friendship between women.  The strength and comfort and understanding and love and safety within it makes the world feel like such damn fine place. 

Amazingly enough, buoyed by the lovely interaction this morning, I hardly feel sick at all now… although I may be crawling back to bed this afternoon, lol.  

A new perspective

Something beautiful I found it here, [blackboard], 2015  // lightbox.  

I’ve been doing a helluva lot of thinking lately - thinking about the shape I want to be in now, the shape of my work and life and love. 

You know those times where the possibilities seem endless and you think you could just up and change everything. 

I’ve been frustrated and lonely and wobbly and not feeling strongly my self, and looking everywhere but inside for the solution.  Thinking a new man or a new home or a new studio or a new town might be the solution. 

The last few days  it’s dawned on me that I like my life pretty much as it is here in this beautiful small wee gentle place.  My life is quiet and deeply felt and slowly unfolding at a pace which feels good to me.  I’m grieving and living and loving and laughing.  Sometimes in the dark, sometimes in the light. 

I’m determined to find what’s beautiful in the righthererightnow rather than imagining that perfect life over the rainbow and giving up everything I have built to reach for something that’s not even real.  There is no perfect life.  No greener grass.  You can leave and travel and go somewhere new and have the best new romance, but the thing is you always take your self with you, and all the difficult parts you don’t like eventually show themselves.  Once again. 

Your self is the thing you gotta get square with. 

Forget Everest. Turning and looking inside yourself, prepared to face what you see there, that’s biggest challenge of all.  And where the most wildly freeing change can occur. 

And so, here I am this morning, rearranging my front room, continuing on at my snail’s pace, pushing my work and self forward each and every day.  I didn’t leave town, I didn’t get a big studio or a new home.  Instead I brought an old lightbox I did a few years ago out of storage.  Setup a new table I can draw on, watch the river and the world go by from.  It’s beautiful isn’t it.  And it didn’t cost a cent. 

I’m in exactly the same place but I feel like I’ve moved a thousand miles from the stuckness  I’ve been in for weeks. 

Fuck . Perspective is everything.

http://www.fleurwickes.co.nz/studio-prints-2011-2017/something-beautiful-i-found-it-here-blackboard-2015