I REMEMBER YOU // Day 31, 25 April 2020

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It’s Anzac Day here in New Zealand, a day when we as a country stand together to remember the fallen soldiers who fought to give us our freedom, and to honour those who came home. While I 100% respect and agree with the sentiment of the day and am of course thankful to those who gave their lives, on this day I also want to remember someone who went to battle in a very different way: my Mum.

She never fought in any world war but jesus she sure fought a war on the homefront. The fire she came under, the hits she took. She was as brave as any soldier. She went to war time and time again for what she believed in: her family.

My mother was a very small woman but when she was riled up, she became 6 foot 4. For me, she fought bureaucracy, she stood up to surgeons, orthodontists and speech therapists when she disagreed with their points of view. She taught me to be strong and to believe in myself, she stood by me, protected me in so many ways. She wasn’t perfect. She was a human being not some sort of god. But what my mother did do was give me all the loving she had. When I was a small girl she promised me she would be with me all the days of my life, and she’s kept her promise. Although she’s gone from this world, she’s still with me. Guiding me and helping me steer my life straight and true.

I love you Mum, and I remember you.

[I remember you, 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint ]

CROSSROADS // Day 30, 24 April 2020

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I’ve found in my life so far that there is grace to be found in any kind of grief, trauma or illness - if you can find it in yourself to look for it.

The enforced slowness of the last four weeks has given me the grace of breathing space, time to really think about the where/what/who/how of my life. The places in which I want to change it up, the areas I just want to shore it up.

Despite - or maybe because of - all the constriction and uncertainty within the parentheses of this lockdown, there’s an opportunity for marvelous re-invention. And damn, I got enough Lady Gaga in me to always be up for that.

The desire for that internal reshaping quite naturally leads to a crossroads because in choosing a new path forward, you necessarily have to discount other possible roads.

So here I am, sitting in the centre of my internal landscape, wondering which way to go, There are decisions to be made in both my working and personal life, in relation to the way I operate within myself and in the way I operate in the wider world. The pressure I’ve been putting on myself to make the right decisions, the fierce thinking I”ve been doing in order to force my own hand……this way that way right way wrong way which way... until my head feels like it’s exploding.

Thing is, the best decisions I’ve ever made have been arrived at by putting aside my fiercely over-thinking brain and finding the courage to listen to my heart.

She always steers me true.

[Crossroads 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]

THE IMPORTANCE OF THINGS WE CANNOT SEE // Day 29, 23 April 2020

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The delicate threads

of love and longing

that bind us ,

that our hearts move toward

and beat for.

The importance of things

we cannot see.

[The importance of things we cannot see, 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]

QUIETLY, AND IN THE MORNING // Day 28, 22 April 2020

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This morning, while my partner and I were lying together watching the light brighten through the skylights above our bed, he said such beautiful things to me. I was silent as he said his words, paying fierce attention with my head heart body. They’re words I don’t want to forget. This is a feeling I don’t want to forget. So I made this drawing.

I’ve said a lot during this lockdown about the difficulty/struggle/tears but not much about how gentle and beautiful it is here with him. Partly because I wanted to keep it close to my chest for a while, partly because I often need to clear away all the difficult feelings before I can acknowledge the wonderful ones. And also very much because I often feel the difficult and the wonderful simultaneously, and it seems more important somehow to say what’s difficult because there’s so much pretending on social, so many “living your best life” grids that don’t reflect the actual.

The pink in the drawing is the flush on your cheeks when you wake. The words you said aren’t just remembered by these marks I made, they’re writ right down deep inside me. You light me up, you make me feel safe. Your voice, quiet in my ear and so very English, is one of the joys of my life.⁠

[Quietly and in the morning, 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]

X // Day 27, 21 April 2020

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After many attempts at making a drawing of something beautiful today, after really wanting to say something lovely and gentle and happy and sweet, it just didn't happen. I drew and drew and drew and nope, nothing worked. I kept going and going until the light went but what I ended up with was this X.

Deep red and rough as guts.

Maybe I was trying too hard to do something nice. Trying too hard to be positive and fcking fabulous and grateful for all the things I'm meant to be grateful for right now when actually maybe if I'm honest that's not how I'm feeling.

Maybe this is me putting a big red X over all the B.S.

[PS: Excuse the muddy incorrectly sized picture. Photoshop kept crashing tonight so this is direct from my phone. Apparently my scratch disks are full. YES I googled and no that did NOT help. I still couldn't work out what to do. And YES you're right, how did you guess, I AM off to eat chocolate and watch Netflix. FML.]

[ X 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]

UNION // Day 26, 20 April 2020

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At 4pm today, like most of us in the country, I imagine, I listened to our incredible Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern & the Director-General of Health, Ashley Bloomfield, deliver the news about the state of play regards Level 4/Level 3 of this lockdown. I felt incredibly proud to be a New Zealander. And I thought:

Here we are.

United by love.

United by blood.

United by the things we believe in.

Union.

[Union, 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint.]

SCRIBBLE // Day 25, 19 April 2020

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I’m glad I had my silly high-on-sugar party for one yesterday because yesterday evening turned out to be awful. What happened hurt someone I love deeply, and here I am in Wellington in lockdown, unable to go to them. I had literally no sleep last night and I’m feeling wired and exhausted despite the daytime nap I’ve had, and at the same time wishing so badly I had a boxing bag nearby so I can take out some of this fierce feeling on it.

Life continues to happen, doesn’t it, regardless of this lockdown parentheses we’re all in.

Dark arguments play out, people hurt eachother with fierce intention, tears get shed. Stars look sharp and shiny in the dark of the very early morning. Cats take up half the bed. Daylight comes too quickly. Eggs get cooked, coffee gets drunk, work gets done, friends and family get called, possible futures are discussed, love gets made. More chocolate gets eaten. And then oh yes of course why not, someone else you love gets sick on another island. Whether you like it or not, everyday the shape of your life shifts. Again and again, until you’re dizzy from it.

This is how it is, this beautiful awful brutal delightful life. Always a rollercoaster. It’s just that right now we don’t have much to distract us from the up-down-twists of how the car is turning on the circuit.

[Scribble 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]

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I GOT HIGH // Day 24, 18 April 2020

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I got high. Strike that. I AM high. God it feels good.

An Almond Magnum, gotten at a dairy. It was like a party in my mouth. Whitakers Creamy Milk - 1/4 a large block. A strong Good Fortune coffee from Petone made in our Aeropress. More Creamy Milk. Yes, I am high on sugar and coffee. And did I forget life? I’m really enjoying not being sharp and clear but instead feeling loose and a bit out of myself. Quite literally, high.

As many of you know, I’m a recovering alcoholic. I've been sober for a decade, and that remains one of the things I’m proudest of in my life. But sometimes, I just want not to think so bloody much. Sometimes I just wanna let go.

These days I usually use hard excercise to get away from my fierce thinking brain but I put my neck out and the painkillers aren’t quite working and I’m not working out today, so damn it, bring on the sugar.

Not that I was having a bad day. In fact, I’ve had the most lovely day, spending a good deal of it horizontal in a warm and cosy and sunlit room. But I just felt like getting away from myself for a while. Know what I mean?

Jeez it’s been fun to have a wee one person party. My poor partner, having to deal with a fast-talking bright-eyed sugar-rushed woman in the middle of the afternoon….

By the time you read this post, I’ll be crashed out, down from the high, ready to calmly watch Netflix for the evening and return to my well-behaved way of being tomorrow… :-). [and I’ll probably have a sugar hangover too, but hey, that’s nothing a good hard sweaty workout won’t cure… . and it will have been worth it. ]

I love my life, my focussed mostly-sensible emotionally available clear way of being in the world. But sometimes a girl just wants to have fun... :-). You feel me?

[I got high, 2020 is availalbe as a limited edition studioprint]

BOX // Day 23, 17 April 2020

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When you want to be brilliant, incisive and ahead of the game and begin the day making plans for your future and then you put your neck out, have a smacking great headache, and get on the go-slow train.

Despite trying to ignore the headache and pushing through, the day ends up feeling like a mess of disconnected ideas [those ideas literally laid out all over your floor].

You try to take solace in doing your daily “one day at a time’ drawing and all you got, after 15 attempts, is an empty box which nevertheless feels 100% accurate for how you’re feeling right now.

Hashtag is this the best I got.

Hashtag yes it is.

But hey, One Day At A Time, one foot in front of the other, tomorrow’s another day and can I cry now and jesus christ I want to go to my massage therapist sort my neck but I can’t because he's not allowed to work so too bad. Oh fck I'm whining again.

But wait, I just had another look at the drawing and actually, I quite like this box.

Day saved.

[Box 2020 is availalbe as a limited edition studioprint]

ME, MYSELF I // Day 22, 16 April 2020

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Because, jesus wept, this lockdown brings you face to face with your self. The headtalk, biases, fears, perspectives, addictions, desires, loves, disappointments: The good, the bad, the excellent and the ugly.

It’s all about having the guts to look at what you’re being shown about yourself. Having the mental toughness to push through your own B.S, the gentleness of spirit to be kind to yourself in the places you fall and fail, the determination to stand up proud for the frankly fcking marvelous parts of yourself.

Me, myself, I. Because this life of yours belongs to you and no one else. Get on it.

[Me myself I 2020 is available as a limited edition studioprint]