I made this photograph today, after a long and excellent day painting. I wanted to record how good I felt.
Made the decision to do the self-portrait before I looked in the mirror. In fact, I didn’t look in the mirror, just down at my phone after I’d made a few shots. It was extraordinary, to see myself this way. To find myself beautiful unexpectedly. I had expected to find myself looking like I’d been painting, for sure… keeping tidy ain’t one of my strong points. In fact, I adore getting messy. But I hadn’t expected to really dig the way I looked. It was a nice surprise.
The whole day has been a nice surprise.
I began it early in the morning, writing. Writing down exactly how and where I thought I’d done well in my life. It began the writing as a “feel better” task, a way to stop beating myself up for not doing enough work. At the end of the writing, I came to the astonishing conclusion that I’ve actually achieved exactly what I set out to do when I was eighteen years old. To make art, and business. To love and be loved. To have a family. To have a home. To be stable emotionally, and mentally. To be healthy physically. I have done all of it. And well. I looked through the list and promised myself that, for today, I would celebrate my success. Really bloody feel the point I’ve come to in my life.
As a personality, I tend to drive myself hard. Always looking where I could improve, always on to the next thing. The next artwork, the next goal, the next bit of writing. I am harsh on myself very often. I put myself under an enormous amount of pressure a great deal of the time. Pressure has always been the way I’ve gotten past the fear. The fear I lived with for so long.
The thing is, I’m not sure I need that driving harsh pressure anymore. Guess the fear's mostly gone and so is the need for the coping mechanism.
Maybe now I can just let myself be who I am, and see where that takes me.
Of course it’s easier said than done, being who you are. You have to give yourself a great deal of permission.
Permission to to be other.
To be imperfect. To fck up.
To work too hard.
To make crap artwork. To make really bloody good artwork.
To lie in bed for the day.
Permission to drink too much coffee for comfort.
To need to express your emotions nearly all of the time.
To grieve. To laugh so hard and loud people look at you at restaurants.
To love crap tv shows. To read teen fiction.
To make choices some people you love don’t like.
To swear even though other people don't like it but you do.
To make art some people think sucks. To make art that connects with you right down deep inside, regardless of the world’s response.
To draw stick figures and rabbits and crowns and wonder where the hell your art is taking you.
To wear a t-shirt with paint all over it and a cut and stitched neckline and feel as hot in it as you do when you wear your best silk dress.
To feel hot despite the fact that you haven’t had a shower and you’ve sweated all day and you’re 51.
Hell, to feel hot because of all those things.
It's liberating to give yourself permission to be who you are.
Really. Fcking. Liberating.
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