IN THE THICK OF IT

I'm in the middle of making work for my new collection, which I'm launching Saturday 19th March. Yeah, I'm in the thick of it.

Making new artwork is like going on a first date. You're hopeful. You put your best foot forward. You hope you're saying the right things. Your heart is beating fast. You think you're super fine, and in the same breath question whether you're good enough.

After thirty years of making artwork, it's still the same. Making a new collection of work brings me to my knees every time. And to the top of the mountain.

This image right here is a detail from a painting I'm doing called "Up a tree k.i.s.s.i.n.g". I have high hopes for it but it may well be ripped up and put in the rubbish. I'm attracted to the childlike figures, to the golden crowns. It satisfies something deep in me that I can't name, to be drawing like this. It's nowhere near finished, is as rough as guts, but I can something I wanna say within it, so I'm following that. It's all I can do. Won't know what it is I'm trying to express until I've completed it. Or binned it. Until then I'm walking the familiar road of being led by my feelings, uncertain it will lead somewhere good, having faith that it will.

Faith and uncertainty are necessary components in the process of making anything new. Anything worthwhile. You gotta believe in yourself hardcore to be an artist, your faith you've got something to say has got to be rocksolid. At the same time, you've got to allow yourself the vulnerability of being unsure on a day to day basis.

It is a fcking rollercoaster, this artist's life. But you know what, the blood sweat and tears are always worth it. There is absolutely nothing else I would rather do because this art I make, these words I write, they matter to me. More than I can say.

That's all for this backstory because, as I said, I'm in the thick of it.

[Sign up to Backstory, the email I write every week here.

Sleep well

Sleep well

Been needing a fair bit of comfort lately.
Been needing all my people around me.
Some of my people are a world away,
some not in this world at all.

So today
I redrew some words I wrote a while ago,
to remind me that no matter how big the distance between us,
the people I love and who love me
are with me,
right by my side.
Always.

My mother sent me a text once.
Sleep well, I am still here.
After she died, I drew her words into an artwork
to give me comfort in my grief.
From when I was a small girl,
she told me she would be with me all the days of my life.
Turns out what she said was true.
It's just that now she's in the ether
and I can't hold her hand and she can't call me baby.
She's still with me though.
Every day
24 fcking 7.
And I am so grateful for it,
and I need her so badly right now.

Anyway, this is for you too.
If you need comfort like I do.
If you need to know they're with you.
If you need to know you're not alone.

Take care of yourself, eh.
Take it easy
and take it slow.

xxx

JUST START NOW

Back at the studio and it felt tough to get going again after a few days break. To be honest, I'm really needing and looking forward to an extended break after a massively busy year. ⁠

⁠

But I did. Get going. ⁠

I gritted my teeth ⁠

and just started from where I was, ⁠

took a small quite frankly tentative step forward ⁠

into the day. ⁠

Then the rest of the hours took care of themselves without much input from me.⁠

⁠

That's all that can be done on any day, really. ⁠

Put one foot in front of the other.⁠

⁠

It's just that some days⁠

it's a fine and beautiful dance you do⁠

and on others ⁠

it's enough to be grateful ⁠

you moved your feet at all.⁠

This life unfolding, 2021

COMMA

Today I added a comma between life and unfolding. Now the words feel right.

That comma is a breath.

A pause.

A gentle gap between one and the other in order to reflect on both the busy action of our days and the slow accumulation of all those hours that, layer upon layer, make up the shape of our life.

It was heavenly

A lovely young couple came up to the studio this afternoon and bought this painting. I nearly cried as I wrapped it for them.

I was so emotional because K&W really saw the beauty and meaning in this work, an artwork which expresses my feelings about some of the most special private beautiful moments of my life.

This artwork, 'It was heavenly', is one of those ones which sux in a photograph. It's complex. Full of marks and layers and rawness. And the delicacy of the colour just can't be seen in a photograph, no matter how I tried. The colour you're seeing here looks muddy and heavy, but in life it's gentle and full of light and all sorts of blush pink, together with a silver on the bed which is calm and flickering and delightful, which is how I feel when my partner and I make love, especially when you add the earthy red of the h.

The text says:

It was heavenly.

So fcking heavenly.

I'm not talking about the stars.

When I touch you, I know I"m alive.

The symbols are a bed and two crowns. Because damn it, when we make love I feel hot like Queen Bey.

I never thought I could have a love like this. For a long time -for long years - after the trauma I went through, I never thought I would be able to have glorious beautiful connected loving warm hot sex ever again. But I found out that I could. Boy did I find out. As Esther Perel says, 'the greatest vengeance is to be the most happy you can be.'

I brought all of my raw past, all of the love, all of the passion I feel, all of the lighthearted fun I have with my partner, to this painting. It is one of the best I've done yet. It has to be seen in life to really be understood. I wish I could show it as it is to you, but also I'm kinda glad I can't. Because it means the painting gets to communicate it's private message properly only with people standing in front of it IRL.

And BTW, the reason for pink ain't fashion. It's the colour of our beautiful linen sheets that my partner's skin looks so divine against.

Thank you, K&W, for coming up to the studio, for seeing something special in my work. For deciding to make this artwork a part of your life. It was hard to let it go, but I'm so pleased it's gone to you. x

Backstory #1: Self-portrait in the studio, 6 October 2021

It seems fitting that Backstory #1 begins with a self-portrait.

It wasn’t going to, but that’s the way of these things. As an artist, it’s my job to get open, to stay open, to be open. In this case open to a self-portrait I don’t think is particularly flattering. I look older than I thought I did. Sadder. Tireder. But I like this photograph a lot. Despite, or maybe because of those things. I caught myself as I was preparing to take a photo, and so half unaware. It’s good to see that this is how I look now. It’s good for me to own that. Don’t get me wrong, I like the way I look -very much so - I look at myself and think myself beautiful in my own way. It’s just the older/sadder/tireder element took me by surprise.

The self-portrait I was going for was a happy smiling one. An engaging one, but that wasn’t in any way challenging to anyone. I’ve gotten used to acting a certain way on social media platforms. Acting in a way that I think people like. It’s a loop I’m not happy to be caught in.

Which brings me to Backstory.

Backstory is my way to move away from the social media loop. For years now, I’ve focussed my writing energy primarily on social media posts. Writing which is short sharp and mostly easy. I actually enjoy writing like that. It’s a way to get things said quickly, and without too much at stake. But you know what, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of not going deeper. Of not allowing myself something more. 

So here Backstory is.

The place where I get to write what’s really on my mind.

A place where I get to dive deep into the stories behind my work, the stories of my life as an artist.

Sometimes it might be just a few paragraphs about an artwork, or a photograph of my studio. Sometimes I’ll show you things I’ve made you might be keen to have for your very own. Sometimes I’ll be a dick. Lighthearted. Some days it might get a little heavy, if that’s where I’m at. You know what, I’m not even sure what/how Backstory will be. I’m only sure that I’m doing it.

I’m a big believer in beginning things even if you aren’t 100% sure where they’ll take you. I made an artwork, just start now somewhere, which perfectly sums that vibe up. Starting somewhere [it quite frankly doesn’t matter where] short-circuits the fear of getting it wrong and stops paralysis.  So what if it ain't perfect.  The whole world ain't perfect, eh.

Anyway, what I do know about Backstory is that from now on, this is how you guys get to hear it first. The news, the artworks, the smiles and the tears.

Structurally, I’m writing this as blog posts on my website. It’s like a way of keeping a diary, a record of the what when how of my working life which sit on my own website instead of on social. I’ll then cut and paste it over into this email delivery system and flick it to ya. I’m not sure how often I’ll be doing this. Maybe weekly.  And for those of you on social, don't worry I'll still be there.  Maybe just in a different capacity.

I feel super nervous to send you this first wee dip of my toes into the Backstory water. But hey, as I said, I just gotta start now. Somewhere. And if these words read as disjointed andawkward, then that's reflective of how I'm feeling right now... and the good news is the only way is up. :-)

Over and out.

Fleur

PS: Backstory is inspired by Nick Cave’s brilliant The Red Hand Files. Go read it! If in Backstory I could be half as real and true as he is, I’ll be a happy woman indeed.