It seems fitting that Backstory #1 begins with a self-portrait.
It wasn’t going to, but that’s the way of these things. As an artist, it’s my job to get open, to stay open, to be open. In this case open to a self-portrait I don’t think is particularly flattering. I look older than I thought I did. Sadder. Tireder. But I like this photograph a lot. Despite, or maybe because of those things. I caught myself as I was preparing to take a photo, and so half unaware. It’s good to see that this is how I look now. It’s good for me to own that. Don’t get me wrong, I like the way I look -very much so - I look at myself and think myself beautiful in my own way. It’s just the older/sadder/tireder element took me by surprise.
The self-portrait I was going for was a happy smiling one. An engaging one, but that wasn’t in any way challenging to anyone. I’ve gotten used to acting a certain way on social media platforms. Acting in a way that I think people like. It’s a loop I’m not happy to be caught in.
Which brings me to Backstory.
Backstory is my way to move away from the social media loop. For years now, I’ve focussed my writing energy primarily on social media posts. Writing which is short sharp and mostly easy. I actually enjoy writing like that. It’s a way to get things said quickly, and without too much at stake. But you know what, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of not going deeper. Of not allowing myself something more.
So here Backstory is.
The place where I get to write what’s really on my mind.
A place where I get to dive deep into the stories behind my work, the stories of my life as an artist.
Sometimes it might be just a few paragraphs about an artwork, or a photograph of my studio. Sometimes I’ll show you things I’ve made you might be keen to have for your very own. Sometimes I’ll be a dick. Lighthearted. Some days it might get a little heavy, if that’s where I’m at. You know what, I’m not even sure what/how Backstory will be. I’m only sure that I’m doing it.
I’m a big believer in beginning things even if you aren’t 100% sure where they’ll take you. I made an artwork, just start now somewhere, which perfectly sums that vibe up. Starting somewhere [it quite frankly doesn’t matter where] short-circuits the fear of getting it wrong and stops paralysis. So what if it ain't perfect. The whole world ain't perfect, eh.
Anyway, what I do know about Backstory is that from now on, this is how you guys get to hear it first. The news, the artworks, the smiles and the tears.
Structurally, I’m writing this as blog posts on my website. It’s like a way of keeping a diary, a record of the what when how of my working life which sit on my own website instead of on social. I’ll then cut and paste it over into this email delivery system and flick it to ya. I’m not sure how often I’ll be doing this. Maybe weekly. And for those of you on social, don't worry I'll still be there. Maybe just in a different capacity.
I feel super nervous to send you this first wee dip of my toes into the Backstory water. But hey, as I said, I just gotta start now. Somewhere. And if these words read as disjointed andawkward, then that's reflective of how I'm feeling right now... and the good news is the only way is up. :-)
Over and out.
Fleur
PS: Backstory is inspired by Nick Cave’s brilliant The Red Hand Files. Go read it! If in Backstory I could be half as real and true as he is, I’ll be a happy woman indeed.
